As a small child, it became apparent to me that my vulnerability, my fragility and my anxiety was a problem. It upset people.
It especially upset my father.
When he saw fear in me, it enraged him.
He simply could not cope with my being sensitive and ‘weak’.
He would lose his cool and become aggressive if I showed fear or cried.
I became terrified of being abandoned. Every morning at kindergarten was a nightmare, because from my earliest memories of school, I suffered at the hands of bullies. I remember the experience of being left behind, being fenced in, screaming for my parents to not leave me there – to not abandon me to the daily torment of the schoolyard.
By the time I reached primary school at six years old, I was living with fear almost constantly, knowing that I had to find a way to survive, to manage the fear inside. I failed miserably. The spankings and head-slaps I had received as a small child – (often for the smallest of things), had created a deep and insidious terror within me.
The other kids smelt that fear. They saw the weakness and, like a pack of wolves, they turned on me. Through several schools, in different countries, I attracted bullies.
I had fought back now and again. Ironically, as a tall and strong child, I could and did, end months of bullying with one swift knockout punch. I hated it, being violent felt mad, alien. It always left me in shock, but sometimes, I had no choice. It was that or never ending torment.
Eventually I fell in love and got married to a bully.
I must have found something attractive and familiar in a woman, who had herself, suffered abuse and who then repeated that awful model with me.
Our wounds matched up perfectly.
Eventually, I stood up against the abuse and bullying that had become too much a part of the relationship and when our children came of age, I ended a twenty-two year marriage. It saved us both from the unthinkable but it took such courage to instigate the separation and for a few years, I had to deal with the consequences. Hell indeed hath no fury like a woman scorned.
As a parent I had found myself at first, also badly equipped to handle my children. For a mercifully short time, I became the abuser, dominant, impatient, intolerant. I saw myself repeating my father’s behaviour and the shock woke me up. It broke a chain of behaviour.
It was because of my background, having had Osho in my life from the age of ten,
and the changes in my parents through becoming Sannyasin´s, that I had enough insight and empathy to pull myself out of the cycle of abuse. To be a softer, more loving and more emotionally intelligent father to my children, than my father had been able to be for me.
A big part of my healing came through participating in Meditative Therapy. Having a safe place to reveal and release decades of fury, anger, and yes, even disgust, at my own cowardice, my own frantic attempts to avoid conflict.
In these retreats, I experienced a new courage, a new determination. For the first time in my life I decided that I no longer wished to feel afraid. I was tired of it, done with it, and I was able to let it go.
This work has had such an impact on me, that I have committed to helping others achieve this release, this freedom from early wounding and trauma.
In the shortened, intensive version of The Mystic Rose, ‘The Trinity Process’ that I facilitate, I watch people cry and laugh like they have never done before. Witnessing their healing and their release is one of the most moving and powerful experiences I have ever felt. Because I know how much impact it is having on their lives. How much it is freeing them.
Meditative Therapy has not just transformed my life, it has also transformed the lives of those I love and care for. My former wife and I have found a way to be friends and my connection to my children is the greatest treasure anyone could wish for. Yes I still feel fear, but now I see it, I accept it. I own it and it no longer controls me. I have learned to feel fear and still act with courage and conviction.
It has liberated my life.