To relate or not to relate, that is the question

By Kanika Frings


Relating, – hands down one of the most complex and challenging things about being human.


Wonderful, scary, frustrating, exhilarating and everything far and in-between.
Sometimes it feels like you can’t live with or without it. It´s equally heart-wrenching and heart-filling.


There are days where i dream of living in a cave on the top of a mountains like a Buddhist monk, yearning for peace and quite, away from the turbulent highs and lows that interpersonal relating brings with it.
In those moments it seems like all my troubles could be solved, if only i could hide away from frictions and thrills produced by simply sharing space with other people. Peace at last, and no one to disturb it.


I do believe some things would be easier, – no triggers, no mirrors, no projections. At least not the kind that are evoked through relating, though no doubt there would be others. But bottom line is that i believe relating speeds up many worthwhile processes enormously.


So yes, maybe i could sit in a cave for years on end without feeling judged or rejected, but i would also miss the chance to face and integrate any of those provocations. Each one of them an opportunity to grow a little, expand a little, deepen some.
Just sometimes i don’t feel that brave. Thats when the cave becomes tempting.


Living in a community provides many, many opportunities to take on the challenge as well as many, many temptations to run from them.
It´s like a never ending succession of relating-pitfalls and relating-chances.
And i can only say this: coming out on the other end of a difficult “relation-shift”, as a dear friend of mine calls it, is like being thoroughly scrubbed clean from the in- and outside and a little bigger as a whole.


At the end of the day it seems that the task of relating is in simply meeting the other without our personal glasses on, which obscure the plain vision to a version in which everything you see is tainted by ones preconceived and limited outlook.
Only then does it become possible to navigate our way past each others perceived shortcomings, rights and wrongs, goods, bads, better or worses to a place that we can share, in which we can meet, unobstructed, as we are.


That is beauty!


Difficult and awkward as it may sometimes be, I can’t think of a better reason why NOT to live in a cave. :)


May we dare to move outside of our comfort zone and again and again put down those tainted glasses, so we can really meet and see each other.


with love,