What is your relationship
with your self worth?
Many of us are challenged by this deep feeling of having a lack of self confidence, or self worthiness. You can see in the world today that there is a pretty massive issue around feeling truly worthy inside. It shows up in work, in our need for recognition. It shows up in relating, in our need for approval. It shows up in social settings, in our need for being liked. But a lack of self confidence points to a much deeper issue, one that we are all wired for, which simply is our need for love — and it’s amazing what we do in the name of love.
The strategies we do for recognition and approval are uncanny and many of us aren’t even conscious of it. This deep need for approval can sometimes be very painful to see in ourselves because it points to a place where we feel we lack something inside. This can bring up feelings of deficiencies, such as; “I’m not good enough”, which of course connects me to the “I’m unworthy” place — I’m sure many of you reading this right now, know what I’m talking about. The not feeling good enough, is a key sentence that many people can relate to.
It’s amazing how many people we have in the world today overriding the deep feeling inside of “I’m not enough”. Some become achievers to show and prove to the world that they are good enough in what they “do”, rather than in who they are. They obtain as much as they can, or try to be the most successful, and though it might ‘look’ good on the outside, it still doesn’t take that inner feeling of “am I enough” away — do I really feel worthy of love? Am I really lovable as I am without all the material things?
The deficiency (or empty feeling inside) which is related to the “I’m not good enough”, cannot be filled by an item or possession. It’s not an outer fix. It’s an inner feeling, sometimes being described like an emptiness, or like ‘hole inside’, and that’s why we feel like we are in many ways, filling the hole. This is often why people go into addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) or become obsessive compulsive, extreme sports, overachievers, highly competitive, anything not to feel the pain of “I’m not good enough”, or “I’m not worthy”.
And it starts early on when we’re kids. If you didn’t receive mother or fathers recognition, such as; “hey, i really see you”, or “hey, i really love you” or “I’m really here for you”, or just being held, or having loving contact and so on… you can imagine what that kid is going to grow up and think of him/herself. They will start to wonder, “am I lovable?”, “am I worthy of love?”.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they grow up to be an overachiever, or highly competitive, or have a behavioural disorder or become passive, or sarcastic about life, because the “I’m not good enough” feeling is so painful, we do anything just to avoid feeling it. Or the other side of it, is we completely collapse in the hole of unworthiness and that’s where you often see people slip into a depression.
What does it mean to face that hole of “I’m not good enough”?
So here is where it gets interesting for me, it’s when we start to really go to the place of ‘what is the story that I keep telling myself that I’m not good enough?’ and the meaning that I make it? – and then we begin to deconstruct this momentous place/empty feeling/hole/belief of “I’m not good enough” and can start to see what it’s built from.
I was recently talking on the phone with a very good friend of mine suffering from anxiety. We were discussing how he now recognises that the painful experiences he had growing up as a child has created such a strong negative self belief for so many years. As an adult, decades later, he still has that belief conditioned inside of him, which sabotages many aspects of his life today — I know a lot of you reading this also know what I’m talking about. It’s a fundamental belief that we somehow adopted early on in our childhood about why we do not feel good enough.
What I particularly like in the Self:Worthy workshop, is that we go to the core place of what is it. Where does that deep seated belief live? That belief that is so gripping on us as adults even though we can consciously see that
we are not that kid, or that wounded child anymore, but still, we carry all those concepts and beliefs and judgements about ourselves. We are the hardest on ourselves.
Many times when we feel rejected by the other, we reject ourselves. Rejecting the very parts of ourselves that we feel are not ‘good enough’, or not loveable. Same for when we feel abandoned by the other, we often abandon ourselves and we fall right back into that feeling of ‘I’m not good enough’, which sabotages our ability to give ourselves the love that we long for in that moment. It’s a vicious and crippling cycle.
I find this subject around worthiness to be fascinating because it’s so core to our belief system, so when we are really willing to go to the centre of it, we can begin to see; what holds me back, what sabotages me, tells me I’m not deserving, or tells me again and again that “I’m not good enough”.
Of course, when we’re willing to go to the centre of the pain, we begin to change our relationship with ourselves — and the benefits are extraordinary because when you really meet yourself, you come to a deeper understanding inside of you. This leads to compassion, acceptance, gentleness and ultimately a deeper self love. So, it’s not based on the outer, it’s based on the inner, that’s why it’s more sustainable, more empowering and inspiring to the individual because they land in themselves. They discover a self recognition and appreciation towards themselves. It’s fulfilling, which is completely different than ‘filling the hole’ with others approvals because it’s not outerdependant, it’s inner-dependant.
How do we become more self worthy?
There are 3 things that you can do right now to help support you in your self-worthy journey.
1. Meditation – even if you can only do a few minutes a day, do it!
With practice, determination and commitment, you will start to land in yourself and once you do, you will see that it is such a precious place to be in, because when you land in yourself you feel connected again. The deeper the connection the more you befriend yourself and an avalanche of self value begins to fill your entire state of being. Meditation is priceless.
2. Journaling – is much like doing an audit on oneself, or also known as; self inquiry.
Where an individual investigates a particular topic, or question, to deepen their understandings. When we journal, we give ourselves space and time to dig a little further; past the usual defences, strategies, or auto-responses, and are slowly able to discover what is the underlying issue. So, the practice of journaling, though nothing new, is extremely effective in getting familiar with your internal world.
3. Sharing – it’s becoming more and more widely accepted that expressing your feelings to others is a massive part of healing old wounds and negative self-beliefs.
Anytime we come together with others and are given the opportunity to share, as well as, listen, it touches us. Group dynamics are incredibly valuable because when others share, we are reminded that we are not alone in our story, fear, or pain, that we are all part of this shared human experience.
The Self:Worthy workshop is about meeting that place and landing in a deeper love and respect towards yourself, to a place where you can genuinely start to feel ‘I am good enough’, or ‘I am worthy of love’ — especially self love.
By the second day of the Self:Worthy workshop, almost a pain comes up coupled with a big relief, because participants realise how much they abandoned themselves for so many years in the name of wanting approval and recognition from others. Which is very understandable, but again, when we abandon ourselves we want someone else to tell us we’re good enough, or ‘I love you”, we can’t seem to meet that place inside ourselves — and this becomes painful, because the moment the other walks away, or they don’t look at us, or don’t talk with us… we find ourselves back in the hole of ‘I’m not good enough’.
However, when you develop a deeper understanding of where the; “I’m not good enough” belief comes from, you can slowly begin to identify your edge point, that is, where you start to abandon yourself, or notice yourself compromising in a way that doesn’t feel healthy, or is disrespectful to yourself. By observing the edge point, you begin to strengthen your awareness and this is where you can catch the negative behaviour and patterns and begin to listen to a deeper part within you; where self-respect lives, where self-love lives, where self-worthiness lives.
When you attend a Self:Worthy workshop-retreat, you give yourself the space and time to explore these obstacles of negative self belief and ultimately what sabotages you from having a healthy relationship with yourself so that you can finally connect with the deeper feeling of; ‘I Am Good Enough’.
The workshop is both profound and liberating; giving you the opportunity to break the vicious cycle that keeps you held back in life. So that you can dare to shine, to speak up, to really go for what you want and to believe you deserve it.
If you’re interested in learning more about the tools and techniques we use within Self:Worthy and you feel it could benefit your life, please take a look at rupda.com.
Maybe we see you at the next Self:Worthy workshop in Mallorca this April 20-22nd 2018 or another upcoming one.