Being in the fire of Inquiry

By Vira Drotbohm

2018-05-02

I remember how many years ago in Pune, India I hosted a big party.

It was a special event for me as I just received my spiritual name and felt myself like an

excited newborn on the spiritual path. I had no idea what Sanynas meant or where

my direction was, but I felt committed and clear to restart my inner programs. I was

a poor student back then but managed to get tons of drinks and mountains of food

and sweets and candles and felt proud and happy to serve my friends. Many came

celebrating with me and suddenly I found myself standing in the center of a all

people and one dear friend gave me a present: An OSHO Zent Tarot Set. They

asked me to open it and to take a card for walking my path. All eyes on me. I took a

breath, let my hands more above each card, asking for guidance. Then I choose. I

turned the card to see what the Insight was… and almost fainted. The card said:

The Miser! An ugly Gestalt with a distorted face looked at me, hiding arms full of

jewelry and stuff behind his back. Creepy. Ugly. Dark. Everyone wanted to see my

card and I just felt disappearing in the grounds. But as I was pretty good in

pretending to be cool I raised the arm up to show my card to everyone and yelled:

must be the wrong card … check the buffet. My smile fake, my body tense. It got oh

so quiet. I felt shame all over my body. And if you think uh – that’s tough- it got

worse: That friend who gave me the Tarotset looked at me with a serious face and

cut the silence in the room with his sharp words. He said: „I think it’s the right card

for you.“ Moments you never forget. Key events. I looked at him and stuttering a

few sentences – definitely showing resistance. Finally I asked him: „Why?“

„Because you don’t share yourself really. You might buy all this stuff but you are

hiding yourself behind it. You don’t share who you are, what touches you, what

disturbs you. We want to get to know you more….“

My eyes were ringing and till today I feel this situation in my bones. It was terrifying

as I had no idea what he meant as I was a brand-new seeker and had not done

groups or anything that helped me to open up. I did not even realize I was closed.

So I was stuck in my control, my fear, my walls of pretending to be on top though I

was mostly a miserable, lost 24 year old. But the journey started and with full life

force, curiosity and a deep longing to become free, I looked inside- the next years

till today. Many therapy groups helped, many meeting with openminded, heartful

fellow travelers who gave me a save container to explore who I am. To move

beyond judgemens, image based ideals and also the goal to become someone

better. If there was a goal, it was to become who I was. To see myself. To hear

myself. To relax in my light and in my shadows. To ask myself deep questions and

to peel the layers of stories, which were hiding my true Self. And this is easy written

… it is the hardest work really. One group which actually really opened my

understanding for being in the presence with all that I am, was: Awareness

Intensive – Who is in/ Satori. Here you just sit all day with partners. Both are

moving through the question: Who Is In? This Koan is not to be answered from the

mind. It is not intellectual. You cannot make it up. Its about what you find in this

moment. Here. Now. You inquire in it. Deeper and deeper. Not knowing an answer

is tough and we all crash against the wall with our conditioning… do it right.You

cannot to di right. Or wrong. You can only look and peel the layers of mind like an

onion. It is about a direct experience which is felt and expressed. It is utterly honest

in expressing and owning all. Forget your politeness but share the meeting of your

pain, your boredom, your frustration, your loss of orientation, your love, your

silence. All. Radical. Direct and without makeup. And of course many times you just

talk because you don’t know what to say. You share stories from the past or

philosophical ideas or spiritual bullshit -just because you have no idea about the

Now… as its too easy, too scary to be true.

This group became my inner guidance since then and now I am supporting others

to be in the fire of Inquiry. What a pleasure it is when seekers meet. To peel the

layers through body, mind and heart and to touch the inner Jewellery.

Come!

Time to share!