My woman is so big, so rich, so wise, creative, and alive. She is magical, playful and absolutely ridiculous in the silliest and most outstanding way…..she is wild, out of control, natural, abundant, fun, she is a clown, a performer and absolutely worthy of the most amazingly alive and joyous life……and yet I can lose her…I can put her down…I can disempower her and let her shrink into nothingness where I have nothing to dig her out with, or do I…..and yet, I always DO because I am her and she is me and we are POWERFUL.
She is so strong and courageous and yet falls apart like no other. She is fearless and yet can be fearful. Her vulnerability empowers her graciously and yet somehow can come in from behind and strip her of all her jewels. Wobble, wobble, slippery slopes. She is so beautiful and yet can be such a mess. I love all of her and yet sometimes I allow her to feel unworthy and undervalued and I let myself believe she is…and yet, I KNOW she is NOT. She is all powerful, and as fiercely compassionate as she is strong, and damn she is capable of more than I can even imagine.
And…. I let her slip, I let her fall, I push her down, I belittle her…BE LITTLE? NO, SHE IS NOT…and I pick her up, dust her off, love her even more and repeat….more layers they shed, the deeper I go. But DAMN……it hurts! Stripped of my skin and threads of the heart being pulled……only to weave a new, more beautiful skin in the end…..continue……
Dressed in lace and skin of silk, she has an inner and outer glow and shine. She is soft and sensual and gentle as the breeze. Her golden flowing hair cherishes her face, her smile brightens the world and her eyes, willing to see, warmly sync with the rhythm of the sacred drumming in your heart. She is a rose, with soft luscious petals that smell so sweet, and yet her prickly thorns of protection will fend off what she might need. And, if you dare to look deep enough into her eyes, you can see the scars across her heart, feel through the blackness of the coal, daring deeper still, you will find that the magic that is she, has alchemically formed, and continually transformed it to the most radiant diamond, brightly enlightening the depths of her soul. I am her, she is me.
How is it that I can value and love, cherish and feel worthy of all and then allow it to go? How are all these parts of the whole, and yet, a hole in the whole as well. I accept these beautiful pieces and the darkest of the darks. I have space for all of me, and yet some spaces are much easier to hold for myself than the other parts. I am ok with all of me, and yet I battle to allow some pieces their space in these slippery times. The messiest and the most gorgeous, or are they the opposite way around. Is my mess the most beautiful part of me? Is it in the richness of my vulnerability, sorrows, and pain, that I find the most beautiful treasures of myself? Yes, and DAMN!
How many times will I delve into self care, taking care of me, or confused?… only to realize that sometimes what I think I am doing to care for myself can turn around, overwhelm me and be too much at the time, and flip……..slippery slopes and wobble, wobble. How many times will I put my boundaries up only to watch me let them be broken, or break them myself? How many times will I allow myself to override the most vulnerable pieces of my being, that need the most care and love from me, because of my fears or for what I rationalize or deem more important at the time?
I am not sure of the process and all I will unfold into and unfold out of. But, I do know that I am a DAMN amazing woman, no matter how many times I slip, no matter how many times I allow myself to believe in untruths, no matter how many times I second guess myself or leave me behind, or forget that I am. No matter how many times I misrepresent myself, or put myself second and have to shed and remember again. No matter how many pieces I drop, and pick me up again. I WILL STAND UP! I WILL SHOW UP!
What I do know is that in the midst of it all, no matter how beautifully messy and gorgeous I am, no matter how much it seems I have forgotten the truth, I have not, in the depths of me ….I KNOW….YES, I KNOW……THAT, I AM SURE OF!…….. I AM A POWERFUL, WISE, WILD, and WORTHY WOMAN…….and I WILL RISE AGAIN! HEAR ME ROAR and WATCH ME WAIL!! I AM WRESTLING WITH THE STRONGEST OF BEINGS. I AM WOMAN….RAW FEMININE ENERGY…I AM!!!!
By Jamie Festa