Power is something that has been “haunting” me lately. Haunting in the sense that it has not given up on me despite my giving it the cold shoulder. It´s been like a tenacious flirt i have been playing hard to get with. Secretly we know we like each other, but openly admitting it feels shameful and scary.
Somehow i know that if i´d open my heart and being to it, everything would change, it would mean being more whole and also more vulnerable.
The sort of power i am speaking of is not invincible or domineering, it might be grand and graceful, but it is also deeply embedded in humility and primarily serves truth.
It is not necessarily a flashy or impressive power, but one of humanness and authenticity.
It certainly has its imperfections and its limitations and yet, it is strong and spirited and glorious.
Owning ones power is a dubious and unsettling business in my books. It requires standing in your light, naked and exposed for all eyes to see, without shrinking back. It means holding the ground of your truth with a soft heart, irrespective of judgements or projections, may they be flattering or condemnatory.
The basic and paralysing fear is that of separation, of being criticised and ostracised.
It is a commonly conditioned knowledge that it is dangerous to “stick your head above the parapet”. Most of us have been well trained by society, family and/or education systems to keep small, quiet, obedient.
There is no great support in stepping into one´s inherent power.
Of course there is plenty of seduction around accumulating abusive power to control and command, from the outside in, but only few teach us about the kind of power in which strength comes from the inside and emanates outward, without needing to devaluate or domineer.
In the contrary, it inspires.
That is the power that i am semi-secretly flirting with. I still feel embarrassment to admit to my attraction but i also want to invoke the courage to let life know that i am ready to meet it more intimately, even if my knees are weak and my heart is pounding and the whole world will frown at my presumption and audacity.
Me and this power are a match. Just as you and yours are.
I, for one, can not pretend that playing small is natural to me anymore, it is not. I unquestionably need more space in my system to unfold in and i see now that i have to claim this space, even if fear is there, even if old belief systems come to torment me with doomsday scenarios of devastation and solitude. I have come to believe that they are mostly paper dragons spouting hot air, as real as they might look and feel sometimes.
Right now (and that comes and goes) i feel bold enough to fletch my teeth and growl right back at them, challenging their nasty bullying and their empty threats and shout loudly across the fear and the doubt: “My Power is coming for me, and there is nothing you can do about it!”
That´s right, coming for me!
I am not taking it back, I am not stomping the ground, demanding it come.
I am done pushing and pulling at it, wanting it ones way or another, with conditions and contracts and security blankets.
Now, I simply continue making space for it, clearing the way, working the ground.
Openly, patiently, trustingly and, as best i can, unapologetically.
Kanika & your Team DIMA