I have spent the last two weeks weighing out options for what to focus on in this months Newsletter. I simply did not know which one to go for. Not that i hadn´t already had a theme planned, but that one felt inappropriate. Then i had settled for one that felt acceptable but not fully aligned, so what i came back to again and again was a sense of not knowing.
Which seems to have been a red-thread for me and DIMA this summer. Coming to haunt us with every change of events or decision that presented itself.
I say haunt, but truth be told, not-knowing holds a whole array of reactions in it, that are very dependent on time of day and constitution of mind and spirit in that moment.
I have come to bow my head to the power of surrendering to not knowing and i have fought graceless and loosing battles with the same.
More and more i find that not knowing is best combated with capitulation. Resisting it´s enigmatic and elusive powers is pretty much a guarantee for sleepless nights and an anguished mind.
Not knowing can be the most beautiful teaching of patience and opening ones arms to the universe in humble prayer. It can be the ground on which trust grows and truth emerges. If only you let it.
DIMA´s future has been uncertain from the beginning of the season. Due to changes in the law and contract re-negotiations it was unclear what our possibilities are and there was a moment in which it looked like we´ll have to change course radically in order to keep our home. In this moment there was no conflict, only a simple and clear response to outer circumstance, faced in a calm and yielding way with trust and adventurous acceptance in the heart.
But when the conditions changed again, closer to where we were heading to in the first place, after all had been said and done and decided upon, that´s when the confusion began. And the searching for knowing what the right course of action would be.
That was a time of not knowing WITH resistance. No space for relaxation, no time to waste, no time to contemplate, – at least that´s what the mind said – , and, damn, he is a persuasive f***er.
So not knowing at this point has felt thoroughly unacceptable and in desperate need of being fixed. Knowing had to come, decisions had to be made, courses had to be set on track, people must be informed.
Well they weren´t and they aren´t. Again i am yielding to the apparent reality that knowing is not something that you can make happen. Knowing comes when the time is right. Knowing happens. You getting in the way of that process usually makes it a messy and roundabout business. So i have finally given up and i am giving it time.
I am allowing DIMA (and myself) the space to reveal to me what she wants to be in the future (and where i fit in there). And clearly that decision is still in process. So i have stopped trying to guess or force it out of her. I am sitting back and bearing the discomfort and insecurity of not knowing.
And i am opening my hands and mind to the possibility that it will suddenly be clear and that there is no efforting on my end necessary for that insight to unfold.
So here we are, floating a little haphazardly into the unknown.
DIMA is perfectly at ease and enjoying the calm after the summer-storm, evidently confident and trustful of her future, whilst i am drifting along side her, trying to enjoy the view whilst allowing her to guide me to our next destination.