Since I was a little girl, I have been in a strong relationship with knowing. I have been conditioned to believe that the more I know, the more I am able to understand, to explain, to control. Knowing has been my closest friend, my lover, my companion, my strength for years. I knew how to be the best in school, the best in sports and how to be the perfect (girl) friend.
I knew just what to do to succeed in life and to reach whatever goal I set for myself.
I did not know that I would once reach a point in my life that I would actuality start to doubt my relationship with knowing. Until a couple of years ago when my awareness started to grow. I realised that I was just swimming around on this safe, seemingly strong, surface of myself. I felt such a strong desire to dive deep. Such a strong desire to let go of the control, not knowing if I would be able to swim down there.
Alive in the depth of the unknown
It has not been easy, but it has given me such a tremendous feeling of being alive. I am really grateful for the experiences I have had so far and the inspiring people I have met on this journey. The journey of exploring the beautiful world down there. My inner world. The depth of my waters. I feel that I just started to touch upon all the treasures hidden at the bottom. I can now say that I am be able to experience the depth of my pain, the depth of my joy, the depth of my fears and the depth of my love.
Being part of the Millennial generation and living in a society and community, however, where achievement and perfection is rewarded and praised, it is a constant battle for me to stay true to that depth. Occasionally I catch myself falling back again in this rat race of getting affirmation and recognition for the things I do rather than being valued for who I am.
I get back into my mind, attached to my thoughts and emotions, swimming around in shallow waters, trying to keep my head above the water. Until I dare to dive again.
This constant process I am going through, from holding on to what I know where I often believe to feel strong, to trusting into the depths of the unknown, where I allow myself to be vulnerable and truly seen, is one that has changed my life completely. Living from this place of depth literally brought me more depth in every aspect of my life. I connect with the people who make me feel deeply. I connect with the moments that bring tears to my eyes. I connect with the things that make my hands shake.
Learning to swim back and forth
Ironically, step by step, from this place of depth I am also revaluing and appreciating my relationship with knowing again. I laugh at it, play with it, use it selectively and purposefully.
I am constantly trying to balance my need for personal growth and all the choices I make in the light of that development with the rest, calm, time and trust to let go and just be.
I now realise I do not have to get rid of the knowing. I should rather use it to its fullest potential; making a positive impact on myself, others and society at large.
And so I found(ed) Rockstar Spirit. Or it found me. Together with Rupda and Gijs, I developed the Deepdive; a powerful 8 week program including a life changing off the grid retreat where participants take their personal development journey a step further. With one foot in the mystic, and one foot in the familiar. Aimed at Millennials; for those who used to play outside with kids when they were young, but who grew up being in their teenage and adolescence years with unlimited possibilities that technological developments had to offer. For those who are “always on” and constantly connected through technology, yet gradually have become more and more disconnected from themselves and from others.
I would love for them to awake their aliveness and to find what brings them deeper joy in life. I hope to inspire them to dive deep and explore the depths of their waters, so that they find their own treasures at the bottom. More importantly, I hope to support them in getting back up and in integrating all of what they learned about themselves in the daily life. Supporting each other in finding that delicate balance between the surface of the known and the depth of the unknown. Because it is just so much more rewarding and fun to dive together.
For more information on The Deepdive, please visit
or email to: firstname.lastname@example.org